The Useless Question Show!
by popgoestheweasel
Summary: Um.... Big giant hands kidnap Artemis and co, and the hand's master, Voice, make them answer stupid questions to try and get them so annoyed, they'll hurt each other (people, not the hands). My first fic. Chappie 4 is up!
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Eoin Colfer owns Artemis Fowl and related characters and places and stuff. As much as I want them, they're Eoin's. Okay...  
  
Author's note: I wrote this on spur of the moment, so it's sorta random. If anyone actually reads this story and reviews, I'll try to update. Also it's my first fanfic.  
  
Prologue  
  
Foaly watches on his cameras as Holly walks into Root's office. "This is gonna be good", he thinks. Suddenly, on the screen, two giant hands come and grab Root and Holly as Foaly is also grabbed. "Ahhhhhhh!"  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
  
Butler was patrolling the halls as he heard a "Help" coming from the next room. Butler rushed into the door on his left, as a giant hand was about to pick up Artemis. He leaped in front of the dark-haired boy. The hand grabbed him. A hand, which snuck up from behind, grabbed Artemis. "Ahhhhhhh!"  
  
Okay, I'm bored of typing. I'm going to play some hearts, and then write an actual chapter. ( 


	2. Chappie 1

Disclaimer: (see prologue)  
  
Author's note: Hi, I'm back! Here's an actual chappie for you! Also the audience will be referred to as Aud. Okay? Okay. On with the show, er, story, er, show, er (goes on until Voice whacks her with a frying pan) Uh, on with the ( faints)  
  
A voice: Hello and welcome to The Useless Question Show! Here's our host, Voice!  
  
Voice: Hello!  
  
Aud.: Hello!  
  
Voice: Today, on our show we have Artemis Fowl, boy genius, Butler, his bodyguard, Holly, a LEPrecon Captain, Root, her boss, and Foaly!  
  
Foaly: I deserve more mention than that!  
  
Voice: Today's question is Why is the Earth round? Artemis?  
  
Artemis: Well,  
(Foaly cuts in)

Foaly: The Earth is round because  
(Goes on and on)

10 hours later  
  
Foaly: And see? Quasars and gooleplexs quantify the effect-  
  
Voice: Lets give him a hand!  
  
Aud. (claps once)  
  
Holly: I'll give him a hand!  
  
(Punches Foaly into a coma) Voice: One down, four to go  
  
Root: What did you say?  
  
Voice: Uh.. See you next time on The Useless Question Show!!  
  
How was that? Review, Review, Review!


	3. Chappie 2

Author's Notes: Fanfiction.net won't let me do stars or bold [ect.], so I'll put actions in parentheses like this (Screams) AHHHHHHHH! Okay. My notes go in these things [see?] (Police come to put Oddbird92 in a straight jacket) (Runs) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: See prologue  
  
A voice: Hello and welcome to The Useless Question Show! Here's our host, Voice!  
  
Voice: Hello!  
  
Aud.: Hello!  
  
Voice: Today, on our show we have Artemis Fowl, boy genius, Butler, his bodyguard, Holly, a LEPrecon Captain, and Root, her boss! Today, we're doing a Fortune Round!  
  
Aud. Yay!  
  
Voice: Today's Fortune Event is: Don't Drop the Frying Pans! In this event you must juggle frying pans. If one hits you, you're out! Artemis, you're first. [Note: I keep putting Artemis first because it's convenient okay?]  
  
Artemis: But-  
  
Voice: Here are your 3 frying pans.  
  
(A person brings out 3 frying pans)  
  
Voice: Go  
  
(Artemis juggles and drops one. Butler dives in front of Artemis and gets hit. Butler disappears.)  
  
Voice: One person is out, so no one else must participate.  
  
(Voice marks down a tally)  
  
Voice: Ok, Folks, that's all for now!  
  
[ Me: Hi!

Nita: Hi!

Kit: Hi!

Me: Where did you come form?

Both: Your mind.

Me: Oh, Okay, Anyway, Review!!!]


	4. Chappie 3

Me: Hi!

Kit: Hi!

Nita: Hi!

Me: You guys are back!

Kit: Yep!  
  
Me: Bye!  
  
Kit: But we're not going anywhere!

(Oddbird hits her voices with a rabid beaver)

Me: Okay, now that that's been taken care of, here's Chappie 3. By the way, if this chappie isn't as good, it's because I'm not sugar- hyped. (thinks) (a giant bag of sugar and a ladder appears) Okay on with the... show? (climbs into the bag and starts scarfing down sugar)  
  
Disclaimer: see prologue : )  
  
A voice: Hello and welcome to The Useless Question Show! Here's our host, Voice!  
  
Voice: Hello!  
  
Aud.: Hello!  
  
Voice: Today, on our show we have Artemis Fowl, boy genius, Holly, a LEPrecon Captain, and Root, her boss!  
  
Voice: Today, we're doing a Fortune Round!  
  
Aud. Yay!  
  
Artemis: But we did that 2 days ago!  
  
Voice: And your point is?  
  
Artemis: Why are we doing it again?  
  
Foaly: I have a question. Why is the beginning practically always the same?  
  
Voice: Good question. I'll ask the writer. (yells) Oddbird!  
  
(camera shot of me eating sugar)  
  
Voice: Uh, she's busy right now.  
  
Holly (to Root): I have a feeling today's going to get crazier. Root: I though Foaly was gone!  
  
Me: Well, I brought him back to ask a question because I was curious.  
  
Voice: Well, just so you all know, I was thinking about making this into a question round, but no, you had to ask questions! So, now it's time to play the Maze of Fire!!!!! Rules are: get to the end before the last person and don't get burnt. The fire will not stray or go out with water, ect. If you get burned or touched by the fire, or is the last player out, is gone. Ready, (peeps are transported to center of maze) Set, GO!!!  
  
[All of the next bit is actions unless marked by parentheses]  
  
The LEPrecon officers go right, Artemis goes left. Zoom in on LEPrecon officers. Holy takes a left, Root, a right. Artemis and Holly run into each other. Artemis falls down, and stays down. Holly goes south, finds a dead end and turns around and goes north and finds an exit. Root gets madder and madder as he keeps running into dead ends. Suddenly he takes a right and finds himself right next to Holly. Artemis gets up, takes a right, and also finds that he's by Holly.  
  
[back to normal parentheses and stuff]  
  
Voice: Okay, everybody's out. Artemis got out last, but Julius is real red-  
  
Root: Don't call me Julius!  
  
Voice: Okay, Root is real red, so he must've gotten burnt. Bye bye, Julius!  
  
Root: Don't- (Voice waves a wand and Root disappears)  
  
Voice: That's all on the Useless Question Show!  
  
Me: Um.... Voice?  
  
Voice: Yeah?  
  
Me: Julius didn't get burnt  
  
Voice: Oh well, I'll just bring in new recruits. (waves wand, and Trouble and a squirrel appear.)  
  
Voice: Is that better?  
  
Me: Much. Come here Squirrelly, come here.  
  
Reviewish stuff  
  
Blah- Thanks for the kind review. Is this long enough?  
  
Tuke of the Pyreness- Yeah, I know. Also, I read your profile. The story you had there is v. sweet.  
  
Oddbird92- Wait that's me!  
  
Thanks a lot peeps! Review!  
  
Me: I'm hungry (thinks) (microwave and T.V. dinner appears) (fixes dinner)  
  
Kit: Why don't you get up and fix a real T.V. dinner  
  
Me: Because hunger is all in the mind.  
  
Nita: whatever...  
  
Me: I could get rid of you, ya know? Readers, should I get rid of my 2 voices? Have you seen the musical, Seussical? Review!


	5. Chappie 4

[Okay I'm starting with reviews this chapter.  
  
PeanutButter II- Thanks for the 2 kind reviews. Um, I'm debating on weather I should keep Nita, or what. Anyways.... Aliens in your head? Interesting....  
  
HermyGWeasley – Thanks!!  
  
VampyGenieWitch- Sorry about the confuzzlement. I just sent you a e-mail apologizing. Did you get it? Yeah.... Sorry!  
  
The OddBird- Also sorry. I also sent you an E-mail.  
  
Author's Notes: Sorry about any confuzzlement (sorry about using your word VampyGenieWitch. Dumb spell check doesn't recognize confusment [however you spell it]). Anyways.... Yeah....  
  
Me: Hello!  
Kit & Nita: Hello!  
Me: Hmmm.... I need to get rid of a character.   
Nita: How about Artemis?   
Me: No, someone besides a person I was going to kill off anyways.   
Kit: You?   
Me: Well, who will write the story?  
Nita: Us!   
Me: No... (light bulb blinks on) I'll get rid of Voice!   
Kit: Okay?   
Me: But now I've got to train someone to be leader and think up stupid ideas!   
Nita: Why don't you train the squirrel?   
Me: Okay!]  
  
Training Day!!!!  
Me: Here squirrelly, squirrelly squirrelly!  
  
Squirrel: Squeak, Squeakers, squeak squeak!  
  
Me: I'm going to train you to be the host of our show. Say show.  
  
Squirrel: Squeak!  
  
Me: Say show.  
  
Squirrel: Sqow!  
  
(10 hours later)  
  
Me: Say Hi!  
  
Squirrel: Squeak!  
  
(10 hours later)  
  
Squirrel: Welcome to our show!  
  
Me: Now for the Idea part! What would be a bad thing to do?  
  
Squirrel: Not get ready for hibernation?  
  
Me: This is going to take a long time.  
  
(20 hours later)  
  
Me & Squirrel: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  
  
Kit: I wonder what's going to happen.  
  
Nita: Ditto.  
  
[Yes this is a bit short, but I'm using someone else's computer. I will write more when I get a new idea, and access to a computer. Until next time! By the way, if anyone cares, I'm going to get a new username, which will probably be FunkyFlamingo. There's less confusment that way.] 


End file.
